Nothing…

 

 

When we lose something we can never replace. Sometime all that you wished for is to be happy . We live in trying to achieve that. Thinking that the world will help us conspire it; but unfortunately we forgot that it doesn’t really go the way we want. Beautiful ending and fairy tales is not in the real life because simply this is not a story. We love and we lose them , we try hard and we fail , we dream and it becomes nothing but  mere dream.

I remember ones being HOPE …but that Hope is no more alive because life have knocked her many times down. She used to get up always and fight again but when the last time life let her down , it took her very precious secret behind her Hope . It took her heart down ;  ever since Hope never came up again . She got nothing more… Nothing to dream for ; no one to love and no heart .

Have you ever felt that you are so useless in life … of no point and of no aim .  At some point in your way ; you would get such thoughts ? But when you do ; just never listen to them believe in you heart .

Nothing remains but ashes .

And so the story of my life ends here.

Always And Ever,

Hoope

Words For Dad

He’s gone ; to start with whether it’s true or not. Whether I don’t want to believe it or not. He’s gone !! My Father died on 12th March 2013. He was bringing me security , hope and knowing that he is alive & breathing brought me pleasure even if I didn’t see him or even if we were distant apart. It was always like a dream to meet him and know him , hug him ; finally when I did that , finally when my dream came true he dies . He left me after knowing him for one year.

“Father , do hear me now ? Am here beside you and I will always be. “
This I told him as I was holding him . I stayed with him every second until he let my hand until tears came down my face. In a moment he just took a deep breath and all at once his eyes looked up , I wanted to feel his pulse . I was shivering putting my fingers on his neck to feel the carotid pulse but there was nothing, I pressed it hardly and yet there was nothing . I held daddy’s wrist to feel the pulse and there nothing too. I kept crying and starting doing CPR … I shouted for Ampu Bag to oxygenate him … everything went fast. They pulled me back and the doctor came and cleared him death. There were many people in the room . I couldn’t breathe . I ran irrationally outside to the garden …. I kept running , and running , running until I got so far and fell down crying . My big brother came later as everyone was searching for me . And I went back to dad room . I wiped my tears closed his eyes , starting praying for him and sat down lying on him . It was silent now everyone was out of the room ; it was only dad and me just as I always wanted to be him; just him and me !
I couldn’t just let him go ; Probably I wasn’t ready to accept it . Not even now when three weeks passed . As if he was yesterday here with me and now he’s not. I can’t imagine it . I can’t and I won’t !
A friend once told me that people don’t just leave us . They stay alive with us in our heart and in everything around us . He’s never gone ; he’s still here inside me.

Among all my sisters ; they use to say that I looked most like dad and I do . Whenever I look in the mirror I see him right there staring at me . And when every I smile ; he’s there in me .. and everything I do is just like him . The stubborn , hopeful , happy person. But I guess I can’t be happy as I was ; as he was ; not anymore.

Something inside me is gone; something is lost and you can’t replace that . No one can replace it . And the lonely I feel is nothing to describe in words.

When you are still stuck in that moment and you can’t wake up . It’s all over now. Because he’s gone . He took with him every beautiful thing in my life. He was the only dream that came true in my life.

I love you Dad, I will always do so…

Allah Yerhamek ya Abby !!

Hoope

Lost Words

Dear ,

Dear everyone , everyone who reads this , everyone who passes by , everyone who has known me , or has been acquainted by. Everyone who hated me or wished me death . Everyone who never met me .

Everyone who loved me truly .

Just to everyone in this world , ” Am so hell sorry ! “

Living alone and dying alone , wondering how it ended up like this . I can’t but i wish ….. It wasn’t suppose to happen . It shouldn’t …. But it all went away.

It all started years back when i couldn’t let go – It exploded

Maybe I was suppose to bear more

Maybe I was suppose to hang on more

Maybe I was wrong

Maybe it wasn’t over as I thought

Maybe I was to die then

 

Somehow , the movie ended and I became the black sheep . Am confused and I don’t know how to fix anything .

I wish I ………….

But there’s no use for I lost everything . I always knew that I was in some way weird and cursed .

Nothing was right , Nothing was ever right .

Who am I ? or what’s wrong ?

I need another story .

With love ,

Hoope

Something Is Missing

The feelings of emptiness . The feeling of something that’s wrong. When you look around and find everything is in it’s place and that everyone is carrying on their daily routine . Nevertheless, there is something wrong. All at once at that particular moment you feel that you got a big slap at your face. You know that there is something missing from your life , that you’re wasting your time when you have to do something else or be somewhere else.

Why there are always borders that stops us  from flying from going away? Why  things just can’t be spontaneous? Why can’t we stop dreaming and start acting ?

 

Regards,

Hoope

Just some thoughts

 

Today , and as i was sitting alone looking through the window.. I cried , yes I cried. I felt so lonely and scared of everything. People that are near and very far at the same time. I hide my tears , I hide my fears and so alone here on my own . And nothing else matters because I wished if things were different though it not and it won’t. For no one understands and no ever cared.

Regards,

Hoope

A Birthday Wish

 

A year passed today .. and another one is ahead. 

There I went to the only place where I run to when i want to beon my own; the sea . I sat at teh beach facing the darkness of the night  while the moon lighting the world around me. There was no one but me . I wanted to be myself for a minute . I wanted to recall things and think about the next step in my life. The last year wasn’t that big and every incident that I have lived went right infront of me .. When that flash back started, i could see nothing but that pain .. and those people that i lost- or in proper term – they lost me .

Yea ! It’s my birthday today and i almost forgot that i don’t have to cry ; but that was involuntary. When you loook at the world and how it drags us .You would understad what i mean .Since the day i was six and i knew that there was something wrong . I never felt that i belonged in here nor anywhere. As if i was in a story and am the hero ; who will die at the end . Or a movie that has no end .

Nothing seems to be real . And what hurts the most is that you are living it alone. A family that aren’t yours and a friends that don’t exist , a whole life that is not there. Parents that have abandoned you way before you come to life.And loved ones that may enter your life , but they can’t because they fear it . A fear of being lost like i am .

Life , life , life . I keep saying nothign is worth it .And that tomorrow is a better day but tomorrow comes and nothign changes.

I know i am dreaming but why i can’t wake up . Nothing makes any sense. I close my eyes so hard in hope to wake up when i open them, but am still here and it’s still here. Am i even alive , maybe am dead .

I just wanted to know who i am ? I just want to be found .

Yea!   It’s my birthday and i have to make a wish .

I wish i never was there . I wish i don’t exit . I just don’t want to live anymore in pain .  I want to wake up co’z i really fear to face the future.