When we lose something we can never replace. Sometime all that you wished for is to be happy . We live in trying to achieve that. Thinking that the world will help us conspire it; but unfortunately we forgot that it doesn’t really go the way we want. Beautiful ending and fairy tales is not in the real life because simply this is not a story. We love and we lose them , we try hard and we fail , we dream and it becomes nothing but  mere dream.

I remember ones being HOPE …but that Hope is no more alive because life have knocked her many times down. She used to get up always and fight again but when the last time life let her down , it took her very precious secret behind her Hope . It took her heart down ;  ever since Hope never came up again . She got nothing more… Nothing to dream for ; no one to love and no heart .

Have you ever felt that you are so useless in life … of no point and of no aim .  At some point in your way ; you would get such thoughts ? But when you do ; just never listen to them believe in you heart .

Nothing remains but ashes .

And so the story of my life ends here.

Always And Ever,


Words For Dad


He’s gone ; to start with whether it’s true or not. Whether I don’t want to believe it or not. He’s gone !! My Father died on 12th March 2013. He was bringing me security , hope and knowing that he is alive & breathing brought me pleasure even if I didn’t see him or even if we were distant apart. It was always like a dream to meet him and know him , hug him ; finally when I did that , finally when my dream came true he dies . He left me after knowing him for one year.

“Father , do hear me now ? Am here beside you and I will always be. “
This I told him as I was holding him . I stayed with him every second until he let my hand until tears came down my face. In a moment he just took a deep breath and all at once his eyes looked up , I wanted to feel his pulse . I was shivering putting my fingers on his neck to feel the carotid pulse but there was nothing, I pressed it hardly and yet there was nothing . I held daddy’s wrist to feel the pulse and there nothing too. I kept crying and starting doing CPR … I shouted for Ampu Bag to oxygenate him … everything went fast. They pulled me back and the doctor came and cleared him death. There were many people in the room . I couldn’t breathe . I ran irrationally outside to the garden …. I kept running , and running , running until I got so far and fell down crying . My big brother came later as everyone was searching for me . And I went back to dad room . I wiped my tears closed his eyes , starting praying for him and sat down lying on him . It was silent now everyone was out of the room ; it was only dad and me just as I always wanted to be him; just him and me !
I couldn’t just let him go ; Probably I wasn’t ready to accept it . Not even now when three weeks passed . As if he was yesterday here with me and now he’s not. I can’t imagine it . I can’t and I won’t !
A friend once told me that people don’t just leave us . They stay alive with us in our heart and in everything around us . He’s never gone ; he’s still here inside me.

Among all my sisters ; they use to say that I looked most like dad and I do . Whenever I look in the mirror I see him right there staring at me . And when every I smile ; he’s there in me .. and everything I do is just like him . The stubborn , hopeful , happy person. But I guess I can’t be happy as I was ; as he was ; not anymore.

Something inside me is gone; something is lost and you can’t replace that . No one can replace it . And the lonely I feel is nothing to describe in words.

When you are still stuck in that moment and you can’t wake up . It’s all over now. Because he’s gone . He took with him every beautiful thing in my life. He was the only dream that came true in my life.

I love you Dad, I will always do so…

Allah Yerhamek ya Abby !!


Lost Words

Dear ,

Dear everyone , everyone who reads this , everyone who passes by , everyone who has known me , or has been acquainted by. Everyone who hated me or wished me death . Everyone who never met me .

Everyone who loved me truly .

Just to everyone in this world , ” Am so hell sorry ! “

Living alone and dying alone , wondering how it ended up like this . I can’t but i wish ….. It wasn’t suppose to happen . It shouldn’t …. But it all went away.

It all started years back when i couldn’t let go – It exploded

Maybe I was suppose to bear more

Maybe I was suppose to hang on more

Maybe I was wrong

Maybe it wasn’t over as I thought

Maybe I was to die then


Somehow , the movie ended and I became the black sheep . Am confused and I don’t know how to fix anything .

I wish I ………….

But there’s no use for I lost everything . I always knew that I was in some way weird and cursed .

Nothing was right , Nothing was ever right .

Who am I ? or what’s wrong ?

I need another story .

With love ,


Something Is Missing

The feelings of emptiness . The feeling of something that’s wrong. When you look around and find everything is in it’s place and that everyone is carrying on their daily routine . Nevertheless, there is something wrong. All at once at that particular moment you feel that you got a big slap at your face. You know that there is something missing from your life , that you’re wasting your time when you have to do something else or be somewhere else.

Why there are always borders that stops us  from flying from going away? Why  things just can’t be spontaneous? Why can’t we stop dreaming and start acting ?




Just some thoughts


Today , and as i was sitting alone looking through the window.. I cried , yes I cried. I felt so lonely and scared of everything. People that are near and very far at the same time. I hide my tears , I hide my fears and so alone here on my own . And nothing else matters because I wished if things were different though it not and it won’t. For no one understands and no ever cared.



A Birthday Wish


A year passed today .. and another one is ahead. 

There I went to the only place where I run to when i want to beon my own; the sea . I sat at teh beach facing the darkness of the night  while the moon lighting the world around me. There was no one but me . I wanted to be myself for a minute . I wanted to recall things and think about the next step in my life. The last year wasn’t that big and every incident that I have lived went right infront of me .. When that flash back started, i could see nothing but that pain .. and those people that i lost- or in proper term – they lost me .

Yea ! It’s my birthday today and i almost forgot that i don’t have to cry ; but that was involuntary. When you loook at the world and how it drags us .You would understad what i mean .Since the day i was six and i knew that there was something wrong . I never felt that i belonged in here nor anywhere. As if i was in a story and am the hero ; who will die at the end . Or a movie that has no end .

Nothing seems to be real . And what hurts the most is that you are living it alone. A family that aren’t yours and a friends that don’t exist , a whole life that is not there. Parents that have abandoned you way before you come to life.And loved ones that may enter your life , but they can’t because they fear it . A fear of being lost like i am .

Life , life , life . I keep saying nothign is worth it .And that tomorrow is a better day but tomorrow comes and nothign changes.

I know i am dreaming but why i can’t wake up . Nothing makes any sense. I close my eyes so hard in hope to wake up when i open them, but am still here and it’s still here. Am i even alive , maybe am dead .

I just wanted to know who i am ? I just want to be found .

Yea!   It’s my birthday and i have to make a wish .

I wish i never was there . I wish i don’t exit . I just don’t want to live anymore in pain .  I want to wake up co’z i really fear to face the future.




Fake …..

Yes ! It’s all fake , our life is all fake , our family  our friends , and even  our smile … everything was fake . Everything was unreal.. nothing was true.

I would like to tell you the story of my best friend, and how her life was just not true. I thought she had a happy family , i thought that she had a loving brothers and sisters , i thought that she had a good education , and her ever lasting smile … that made everything around happy. It was all fake . She said it  to me , she said it so honestly that her family are not a loving one , that her brothers and sisters are not caring but only ruling and mean. That she never joined the college she wanted. That he parents are divorced , that there are always problems and yelling at home   . And that she was only smiling when she was crying from inside. All her life was lie  and she lied to everyone. She was sick and dying now,  the saddness that she felt anshed yet she was so unwanted and lost. I was not there for her and now is dying. When she looked at her life and that flashback started she saw nothing but tears , pain and  most of all loneliness. She was always so alone regardless of the number of people around her . No one ever understood her and no one ever held her when she was crying. No one stayed with her when she most needed one.

 When i looked at her life  now that i know all the truth .. it all seemed like one of the tragedies novel of Shakespears. It was killing me that i have nothing to do to save her and that she never lived any happiness in her life.  All she wanted is to live in peace and love.  She dreamt and never tried to wake up . Because only  in dreams we can see happiness. For life is so harsh and so painful. She had hope that kept her alive but that hope wasn’t even enough . The say hope give  us a way but i say it gives us nothing but words.  Hope never dies but we die eventually and it’s all over .

All she wanted was a loving parents and happy childhood ; instead it so bitter. She tired to forget her childhood and get a good education ; make a new start for better future . But it ended up badly and it never went right. She forget about all that & thought of finding the one true love , the man of her life.  She told me that she loved him truly and that he would change all her life to the best and with him she will try to build the family she never had and the happiness she never saw. Instead; he never exchanged that love with her.. and they were from two different worlds . He was rich handsome and was her teacher, whereas she  had nothing but  love to give and obviously nowadays this is not enough. I felt so sad for my friend , because i was never able to do anything for her.. I was never able to make things become happier or even better. Now that she is lying in the hospital and she’s telling me all about her life and how  miserable it was . It eats from inside. That sometimes even special people are just so unlucky.  No one was with her. But me the nurse, and i took care of her . She had no visitors . And absolutely no one . She told me since her childhood she was used to cry at night , crap her pillow so tightly and cry and cry . The only question she kept asking was ” Oh God ! why don’t you help me ” And she said never got any reply until today . She keeps crying at her bed , no one knows and no one knew.  She told me a funny thing which is notreally funny but it shows how sarcastic life might be . She said that in a moment she thought that she was a gifted kid and that she was so special but  as life went it proved her that she was only a cursed kid .

Yes ! Her life was all fake ! And yet she pretended to smile . Everything just goes in the wrong way . . Life gave her pain and by ending it – she was ending her pain. 

Fake ! Fake Fake ! We should wake up but what happens if we does . Whats next !!!!