2013.. A Sad Year

Empty Chair

Yes, 2013 is finishing . It’s closing up with the biggest pain that it caused me. No words can describe my grieve. The only fact is that the year is over nevertheless the scar is never heal.

2013 started with the illness of the my dad, while March 12th he died. April , May , June , July … and I am still in grieve; am still in pain . I can’t forget it only made me more lonelier .  I remember him in my arms ; I remember closing his eyes like it was yesterday – so how can I forget !

I joined my work , everything was tense .. I had to keep to my fake smile . And started crying for no reason at night . I don’t know am I happy or upset. I don’t know how I feel any more towards many things around me. I even transferred from my area towards another departments … another busy department ! Why ? because I don’t want to have any free time to think .. thinking is so dangerous . Thoughts about life scares me , visions of dad haunts me. Everything is weird . Nothing is normal …

I lie by his grave praying for him . Dreaming about the short period that I was with him. Could it be worse?

And so fast years lapse… in a blink everything could end . Everything around you is prone to change ; to end . Nothing remains.

Consider loving the people around you more. Learn how to live simply . If you don’t like what you do , change it ? If you did a mistake , apologize ! If you love someone , say it ! Don’t leave anything for tomorrow … Because tomorrow never comes .

Hopes misguide us, it makes us think that we will live forever. Have a short term hope , and make your wishes true. Never let go what you love.

May the coming years bring something different . May your lives be always brighten with love and care of dear people. May 2014 be special for you all .

Regards,

Hoope

Review on: Tuesdays with Morrie for Mitch Albom

Tuesdays With Morrie

Mitch Albom

It’s a story about life and for knowing life. As it says in the cover  ” Life’s greatest lesson “ .

The story is about Morrie Schwartz , a professor at Brandeis University . After being diagnosed with ALS (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis ) , a no cure disease and knowing that he is dying ; he started sharing his life with the people and to give them all that he knows and experienced in life. Being in TV show , accidently one of his favorite student who was going through a hard time in his career and life ; saw him . This former student who had felt guilty for not keeping in touch after graduation starts dropping visits to his teacher .  And so they started meeting every Tuesday to talk about certain things . They talked about death , growing old , money , family , forgiveness , culture and marriage . Morrie said that when people die , they don’t really die but they stay alive in our heart because that’s how love goes on . As  “ Death ends a life not a relationship. ”

In a beautiful account he teaches us many lessons of life , things we don’t learn in high school . But from people , people who are older than us , who lived and been through a lot . They stare with us their experience so that we can learn from it and live life as we should before it’s too late.

I highly recommend you to read it;  to everyone who really wants to  have a reason to live. To love life .

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and how to let it come in .”

Pg: 52

Tuesdays with Morrie

Nothing…

 

writing-a-book

 

When we lose something we can never replace. Sometime all that you wished for is to be happy . We live in trying to achieve that. Thinking that the world will help us conspire it; but unfortunately we forgot that it doesn’t really go the way we want. Beautiful ending and fairy tales is not in the real life because simply this is not a story. We love and we lose them , we try hard and we fail , we dream and it becomes nothing but  mere dream.

I remember ones being HOPE …but that Hope is no more alive because life have knocked her many times down. She used to get up always and fight again but when the last time life let her down , it took her very precious secret behind her Hope . It took her heart down ;  ever since Hope never came up again . She got nothing more… Nothing to dream for ; no one to love and no heart .

Have you ever felt that you are so useless in life … of no point and of no aim .  At some point in your way ; you would get such thoughts ? But when you do ; just never listen to them believe in you heart .

Nothing remains but ashes .

And so the story of my life ends here.

Always And Ever,

Hoope

Words For Dad

father_daughter_beach

He’s gone ; to start with whether it’s true or not. Whether I don’t want to believe it or not. He’s gone !! My Father died on 12th March 2013. He was bringing me security , hope and knowing that he is alive & breathing brought me pleasure even if I didn’t see him or even if we were distant apart. It was always like a dream to meet him and know him , hug him ; finally when I did that , finally when my dream came true he dies . He left me after knowing him for one year.

“Father , do hear me now ? Am here beside you and I will always be. “
This I told him as I was holding him . I stayed with him every second until he let my hand until tears came down my face. In a moment he just took a deep breath and all at once his eyes looked up , I wanted to feel his pulse . I was shivering putting my fingers on his neck to feel the carotid pulse but there was nothing, I pressed it hardly and yet there was nothing . I held daddy’s wrist to feel the pulse and there nothing too. I kept crying and starting doing CPR … I shouted for Ampu Bag to oxygenate him … everything went fast. They pulled me back and the doctor came and cleared him death. There were many people in the room . I couldn’t breathe . I ran irrationally outside to the garden …. I kept running , and running , running until I got so far and fell down crying . My big brother came later as everyone was searching for me . And I went back to dad room . I wiped my tears closed his eyes , starting praying for him and sat down lying on him . It was silent now everyone was out of the room ; it was only dad and me just as I always wanted to be him; just him and me !
I couldn’t just let him go ; Probably I wasn’t ready to accept it . Not even now when three weeks passed . As if he was yesterday here with me and now he’s not. I can’t imagine it . I can’t and I won’t !
A friend once told me that people don’t just leave us . They stay alive with us in our heart and in everything around us . He’s never gone ; he’s still here inside me.

Among all my sisters ; they use to say that I looked most like dad and I do . Whenever I look in the mirror I see him right there staring at me . And when every I smile ; he’s there in me .. and everything I do is just like him . The stubborn , hopeful , happy person. But I guess I can’t be happy as I was ; as he was ; not anymore.

Something inside me is gone; something is lost and you can’t replace that . No one can replace it . And the lonely I feel is nothing to describe in words.

When you are still stuck in that moment and you can’t wake up . It’s all over now. Because he’s gone . He took with him every beautiful thing in my life. He was the only dream that came true in my life.

I love you Dad, I will always do so…

Allah Yerhamek ya Abby !!

Hoope

I Lived In You, Dad !

 

I lived in you , father

I lived for you , Father .

 

And when you are away

Am gone .

And when you are far

Am lost .

 

Your spirit was my guidance  

Your image was my light

The dreams I had about you

was never fake.

 

You hold me tight

You hold high

You gave me love

You gave me strength

 

I lived in you , daddy !

I lived for you …

 

Regards,

Hoope

( Dedicated to my, Father )

 

Here We Meet…

This is a short short story about a girl named Hana she was abandoned by her father when she was only 5 years – before joining primary school . She lived and she never knew her father ever. Her mother was everythign around . She grew up studied hard , graduated , joined university , and even worked . Yet never met that unknown father ; that she in fact carried his name but never really carried her.

She had birthdays , her tears , her parties , her joy and her life without him being around . And now when she is turning 25 years ; she will meet him again .  Yea , after 20 years ! what it feels like to that kid is just undescribed !

What if feels when people meet Hana when she was a kid and say , ” Oh ! she just looks like her dad ! ”  A dad she never say but people kept telling her that. And the older she gets the more she sees of her father in herself . People use to look at her and say, ” Your father must be proud of you .” while she smile and moved on becasue her father never even knew her to be proud of her !!

I would call this , one of life mysteries … or simply life !

 

Hoope

 

 

My Inspirer

 

It was a shock as I came home from work yesterday and they were telling me that Dr. Ibrahim Elfiky died!!  Knowing that he was not previously in a hospital or having a severe medical condition.  Tears immediately ran out of my eyes, but I hid them and I went to the bed !  Yes ! it’s the destiny and I will always pray for him just like everyone who loved him . But I can’t deny the fact that it really shocked me !

 

When I was about 12 years old I watched the first show for him;  LIFE IS HOPE  ( Alhaya Amal ). And ever since he lighted my life with that hope and he made me feel that am stranger than my circumstance & that I am capable of changing things around me . When I was sad I can remember his words and smile again . My smile became my power & I can’t deny that everyone I meet says ” You have a great smile !”  He made me that !  He had a deep faith in Allah & he a inspiring smile .He made us change , and think for a sec. of what we want most & of how we can become better someone.

The world mourns today ! It has lost a teacher , a soul and a hope has died ! He didn’t leave us and he can never ; because all that he thought us will always remain alive within us . All his words and books will remain alive within us . Not me nor the millions that he inspired & changed will ever forget you.

My inspirer you were and you will always be .

Rest in Peace Dr. Ibrahim Elfiky , Allah Yerhama we yaqfer laa

 

Love,

Hoope