To the Moon and Back

Often we force ourselves into things that are not ours ; into day dreams that were so real. Into what we can call illusions but they could have been the best illusions we shared. Do you want to know why ?

Because those feelings happened to be so right at that particular moment, they lifted our spirits up. And they hit straight to our souls; shattered our emotions . How your heart beats so fast ? How your body becomes so warm ? And how your eyes say all the talk while in silence ?

It took them so long to reach to a state of steadiness were nothing can possibility shake us . Nothing were suppose disturb that inner peace . They finally began to adjust with nature, we found love within ourselves and thus learned how to let go and move on. Everything  they worked on was falling apart suddenly. It was like an earthquake strike and left everything scattered. How their hands are still shivering? And how tears falls from their eyes irrationally ?

There they stand face to face , hand in hand , chest in chest  and lips by lips …and everything clams down. That peace they felt was unlike and that’s the moment their souls moved ; the earthquake subsided.

The way sun rises after a long raining season.

The way the tulips blooms .

The way their eyes meet.

The way time suddenly stops .

The way their voice is so tender.

Can someone be the cause of the earthquake and at the same time calms it away?

After such a long journey of loneliness and adjusting with the circumstances and life; finally trying to understand how things are meant to not happen , while others are meant to just let go. After all this training of self-realizations. They get in each other’s  lives; and leave the most beautiful memories that are going to stay within forever. They play the same rhythm of our souls and they started dancing together  . They knew precisely that this dancing won’t last and that the music will stop however at that particular moment all what mattered was that they were happy.  In fact , all was needed was a moment to lit it up.

A whisper was heard saying , “ Love you to the moon and back .”

Love .. The Dream

Everyone would like to meet their soul mate; their love of the life at one moment. However, when that happens , they would hold on it firmly and never let go.

The beautiful spring starts , the endless love, the captivating words that makes you forget the world, the people and the days . Everything around us becomes pointless but that one person … That one love ! Their words makes us alive for the first time . Lifts our soul higher , their hands around us , the warmth , the kiss , the hug; that particular person that made us known after we were invisible.

Love is nothing alike , no one can describe it by words . It’s just feelings . Strong feelings that we carry deep in our hearts . Somehow it makes our hearts pump harder. It’s a silent touch , a look . It’s something that all at once without you even realize . Yes, without you even notice ; that person becomes everything for you and you are in love with them . Whether it’s wrong or right to express it and say it . Whether the consequences are not good . Regardless of all that , at that moment of love we all become greedy and want more of love. Forgetting the pain that it may cause . You may wonder how can love be painful . Well ! it is . It can become so devastating and desperate .

Love is not just words – It’s care , commitment , honesty , sacrifice , friendship but out of all it’s the most beautiful gift you can ever get . When love s so pure it can really overcome all obstacles that’s what movies thought us , but it seems real life is nothing like movies . So , when it’s just impossible for it to last- it’s broken. The hopeless fact is that nothing is ever complete . It’s even harder to carry on especially when you’re sure that this person was the right person .

Life goes on . We wash our face and wipe our tears . But we can’t forget ; we’ll never forget that special touch . We go back to our loneliness as we sit at the beach watching the sunset, watching the end of what wasn’t .

We wake up from the most amazing dream , love . And we have nothing but their words with us … their words.

Always ,

Hoope

2013.. A Sad Year

Empty Chair

Yes, 2013 is finishing . It’s closing up with the biggest pain that it caused me. No words can describe my grieve. The only fact is that the year is over nevertheless the scar is never heal.

2013 started with the illness of the my dad, while March 12th he died. April , May , June , July … and I am still in grieve; am still in pain . I can’t forget it only made me more lonelier .  I remember him in my arms ; I remember closing his eyes like it was yesterday – so how can I forget !

I joined my work , everything was tense .. I had to keep to my fake smile . And started crying for no reason at night . I don’t know am I happy or upset. I don’t know how I feel any more towards many things around me. I even transferred from my area towards another departments … another busy department ! Why ? because I don’t want to have any free time to think .. thinking is so dangerous . Thoughts about life scares me , visions of dad haunts me. Everything is weird . Nothing is normal …

I lie by his grave praying for him . Dreaming about the short period that I was with him. Could it be worse?

And so fast years lapse… in a blink everything could end . Everything around you is prone to change ; to end . Nothing remains.

Consider loving the people around you more. Learn how to live simply . If you don’t like what you do , change it ? If you did a mistake , apologize ! If you love someone , say it ! Don’t leave anything for tomorrow … Because tomorrow never comes .

Hopes misguide us, it makes us think that we will live forever. Have a short term hope , and make your wishes true. Never let go what you love.

May the coming years bring something different . May your lives be always brighten with love and care of dear people. May 2014 be special for you all .

Regards,

Hoope

Nothing…

 

writing-a-book

 

When we lose something we can never replace. Sometime all that you wished for is to be happy . We live in trying to achieve that. Thinking that the world will help us conspire it; but unfortunately we forgot that it doesn’t really go the way we want. Beautiful ending and fairy tales is not in the real life because simply this is not a story. We love and we lose them , we try hard and we fail , we dream and it becomes nothing but  mere dream.

I remember ones being HOPE …but that Hope is no more alive because life have knocked her many times down. She used to get up always and fight again but when the last time life let her down , it took her very precious secret behind her Hope . It took her heart down ;  ever since Hope never came up again . She got nothing more… Nothing to dream for ; no one to love and no heart .

Have you ever felt that you are so useless in life … of no point and of no aim .  At some point in your way ; you would get such thoughts ? But when you do ; just never listen to them believe in you heart .

Nothing remains but ashes .

And so the story of my life ends here.

Always And Ever,

Hoope

Words For Dad

father_daughter_beach

He’s gone ; to start with whether it’s true or not. Whether I don’t want to believe it or not. He’s gone !! My Father died on 12th March 2013. He was bringing me security , hope and knowing that he is alive & breathing brought me pleasure even if I didn’t see him or even if we were distant apart. It was always like a dream to meet him and know him , hug him ; finally when I did that , finally when my dream came true he dies . He left me after knowing him for one year.

“Father , do hear me now ? Am here beside you and I will always be. “
This I told him as I was holding him . I stayed with him every second until he let my hand until tears came down my face. In a moment he just took a deep breath and all at once his eyes looked up , I wanted to feel his pulse . I was shivering putting my fingers on his neck to feel the carotid pulse but there was nothing, I pressed it hardly and yet there was nothing . I held daddy’s wrist to feel the pulse and there nothing too. I kept crying and starting doing CPR … I shouted for Ampu Bag to oxygenate him … everything went fast. They pulled me back and the doctor came and cleared him death. There were many people in the room . I couldn’t breathe . I ran irrationally outside to the garden …. I kept running , and running , running until I got so far and fell down crying . My big brother came later as everyone was searching for me . And I went back to dad room . I wiped my tears closed his eyes , starting praying for him and sat down lying on him . It was silent now everyone was out of the room ; it was only dad and me just as I always wanted to be him; just him and me !
I couldn’t just let him go ; Probably I wasn’t ready to accept it . Not even now when three weeks passed . As if he was yesterday here with me and now he’s not. I can’t imagine it . I can’t and I won’t !
A friend once told me that people don’t just leave us . They stay alive with us in our heart and in everything around us . He’s never gone ; he’s still here inside me.

Among all my sisters ; they use to say that I looked most like dad and I do . Whenever I look in the mirror I see him right there staring at me . And when every I smile ; he’s there in me .. and everything I do is just like him . The stubborn , hopeful , happy person. But I guess I can’t be happy as I was ; as he was ; not anymore.

Something inside me is gone; something is lost and you can’t replace that . No one can replace it . And the lonely I feel is nothing to describe in words.

When you are still stuck in that moment and you can’t wake up . It’s all over now. Because he’s gone . He took with him every beautiful thing in my life. He was the only dream that came true in my life.

I love you Dad, I will always do so…

Allah Yerhamek ya Abby !!

Hoope

Sad Beyond The Smile

Yes,  Smile can hide all the sadness and tears but smile alone can’t overcome the pain and depression .

That’s a fact which can’t be denied , at times you wonder , “ Is it life that stands against me ? or it’s just me that can’t get up ! “

 

What the days takes from us ; is more than what we can afford . A wound that hardly healed leaves a scar that never goes . We all understand that some days in life couldn’t be the best but how come they turn to leave a painful memory .

You may tell others encouraging words as “ Hope , Try again ! , Never give up!  Love exists ! “ while as days overlaps and these words turn to be nonsense – it means nothing ! I could have been nothing but a mere desperate try to accept how miserable things could be . None of what we believe in could be true in this fake world ; ignorance , disrespect and selfishness where power rules in it !

No dreams will come true in such world and certainly no smile can shine !

Yea ! what life takes from us , is more than we can afford . What really goes around you remains an un solved  mystery !  But I will continue to smile no matter how hurt I could be .

Regards,

Hoope

Living With Migraine

 

Many people think that migraine is just a headache … like everyone’s normal headache. But it’s not true. Because migraine tends to affect your life and ruin your plans for a day or two; sometimes more. Your personality changes, that smiling happy person changes once your attack starts! They are a type of a unilateral headache that is associated with vomiting and nausea you would fear both the lights and sounds. You would prefer to stay in quiet dark room for hours and hours. You would lose your appetite and most of all become so depressed and sad. The hopelessness that captures you and makes you feel that you can’t do anything to change it. No matter how you try to stop the feeling, you can’t it.

I am not going to talk about the medical aspect of migraine because anyone can google that. But I would like to share with you how is the day like living with migraine from a migraineurs point of view.

When you wake up with such an enthusiasm and energy, willing to start this weekend with so many activities. Hanging out with your friends, going to cinema – barbeque with the family; Oh! When it all seems to be a busy weekend … it never ends that way. All at once, you get that migraine attack; everything changes. If you were out with your friends, then the worst that happens is; your mood will change, you will be frown… and you might order anything – nauseated and you feel like you want to just go home and sometimes you have to care for your friends feelings and you might go on with them but you still feel so upset. Headache that eats up your brain… throbbing sound at you left side and around the eye. But if it starts before going out; lucky then you will save your friends these entire disturbance because simply you know you will choose to stay home. And you mind won’t stop from thinking of what caused it!  You’ll keep saying “I was so careful, I stayed away from all the triggers, was it a perfume? Did I have cheese or something from its derivates? Did I oversleep?  What went wrong?  “  

Sometimes nothing went wrong but yet it happens! You will find yourself at many times home- stuck in your dark little room while everyone is out. You will be seen sometimes running for and to the bathroom where you keep vomiting. You skip work and school, friends and family! Just because the attack started. Your whole body becomes so tired and the depression that occupies you; just kills. When you see everyone else is eating those delicious looking chocolates but you can’t ! Because you will end up lying on the bed for coming three days .

What kills the most is when your family and friends don’t understand it! What hurts the most when they say “It’s just a headache, take to tablets of Adol and you will relieve it “Like I never tried it? Or when they put strong perfumes right when you’re standing beside them and no one cares.

Speaking about the treatment! Panadol never works out. Yea! Let me try to remember what all the things I tired are. Ergotamine was the first things prescribed for me – it’s fine but only should be taken before the attacks starts; aura time. Now if you miss it then… it’s useless! Other than its side effects that I hated most; gastrointestinal disturbance & dizziness! I quit it and I didn’t take it for long. Until a doctor told me to try Cafergot which is a combination between Caffeine and Ergotamine . I didn’t take that either for a long time it was only a period of couple months. But what I did take a for a year and was in fact good INDERAL – a medication for heart disease people but it acts as a preventive for migraine and you have to take it on daily bases. It helped a lot and it reduced somehow the attacks but; and there is always a but I couldn’t stand the side effect. Your heartbeats changing most of the time becomes faster and you breaths become uneven. But all that aside… reading the information that’s in the paper of the medicine itself; makes you so scared to take it! So I eventually stopped it. Am not good at taking pills, I just fear them. There is a doctor once said “All medicine are potential of poison “, I am one of the big supporters for that words.

Yea people who has migraine will tend to try many things and as possible to find the cure which don’t exist or at least something to control it. Something to give us a day free from migraine.

And like all migraneurs I have tried none pharmacological ways. A friend once told me try the Flax seeds with yogurts once daily, I did that and it was not bad at all… I mean besides avoiding the triggers. I don’t if it really worked or it was psychological effect only. Let me remember what else I tried! Yea… the Chamomile tea- well they said it helps but at the same time I think it’s healthy to drink it.

Thus, I tried a lot of ways    and ending up currently with no medications and no chamomile or whatever herbs could be! There will times that I will get three attacks in a week and there will a month that I will be migraine free. It’s just how lucky you get to be and how good you are at a voiding that long list of food and things that you don’t have to do, exercising and relaxing plays a role.

I would conclude that no matter how much you read in the diaries of a migraineur you will never be able to feel it and I don’t wish anyone to go through the same thing. But it’s only us migraineurs that understand each other. At times you will feel so lonely that no one undertands and no one feels .

 

Regards,

Hoope