At the age of 60; I started wondering and reminiscing days, moments, marriage , work and kids . The only question in my mind was “ At what point did I let go life ?”
Did life fail me ? or it’s the other way round ; Did I fail life ?
Well ! it doesn’t really matter who failed who ? What matters is that we failed . We changed into things that we can’t recognize when we look at the mirror . Not me anymore. It looks so vague .
I remember loving life , I remembering enjoying every day of it ; never giving up even when it sucks . Bad days would never last … and every day seemed like a merry day . I was hopeful never surrendering for a little . Adventurous and so solid inside . All that I see now is a very fragile person that when anyone asks me how I am ; I stare for minutes not knowing what to reply ! Do I say am great and lie or do I say am so lonely and my kids left and husband died ; while work sucks just a routine ! And every day is just a torture of how to survive it . I eventually speak out and say , “ Am fine .” with a deep breath , that was enough .
I feel tired of the burden that I carry . How did I settle for less than what I deserved ? How did I lost my smile ? Nothing makes sense ! Am broken and sad yet I won’t cry . Am hurt yet I won’t speak it .
Neither because I can’t nor because I am scared. But because no one cares to listen . Jason Statham said “Don’t complain about your life to people .. Half of them don’t care and the other half are happy to see you get hurt .”
That’s when I started realizing that I am on my own in this.
I open my eyes and I wake up like any day . I head to the washroom and wash my face ; looked at the mirror – there I saw myself ; no wrinkles , no white hair , no glasses , and certainly not 50 years old .
It was like time went 30 years back. I was young again and now I had the chance to do it right ; to do it different . To live life as it comes ; to enjoy every moment and feel the love . I don’t want to regret things when I am 60 .
Eventually you will be ending up alone ; so better have fun while you still can .
There is always another year that we keep looking forward to yet we forget that there won’t ever be another us.
Happy New Year Earth ..May this year be kind on me .