I Lived In You, Dad !

 

I lived in you , father

I lived for you , Father .

 

And when you are away

Am gone .

And when you are far

Am lost .

 

Your spirit was my guidance  

Your image was my light

The dreams I had about you

was never fake.

 

You hold me tight

You hold high

You gave me love

You gave me strength

 

I lived in you , daddy !

I lived for you …

 

Regards,

Hoope

( Dedicated to my, Father )

 

And So I had Cancer

 

I use to read in books that disease don’t differentiate between young or old; but now when I was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 25 I believed that fact.

I am the only son for my parents and I am the big brother to one little sister. Since the age of 10 and I became orphan as my father died of the same disease. Now , I inherited it.  It’s not cancer that I fear but it’s how my family will be without me. Being the only one who takes care of my old mother and my little 12 years old sister. How would they live without me ?

I wonder why doctors say that early detection of cancer can help save life. When the truth is you don’t know you have cancer unless it’s metastasized to other organs. Which is what  happened to me?  As the symptoms didn’t show and I wasn’t diagnosed until too late to intervene.  The fact of cancer is that you don’t have time ; you don’t have time to decide nor to take a breath . In a moment you might be alive and tomorrow – no one knows .

People and family looks in a sympathetic way , while doctors want a fast reply about your decisions and your friends everyone gives an opinion or  not to go for surgery others say ” Yes do it ! “.   I got confused and to some point I didn’t what to do nor who to guide me . Whatever it was ; it has to be done fast.  Meanwhile ; the image of my father when he was suffering after the he undergone multiple surgeries was haunting me .

I use to hear nurses saying in empathy how unlucky I was ! Being a handsome young man and having cancer. Everything is destiny . Before we were born our lives were written, I am Muslim , and I believe in Allah and that He would guide me and be the most merciful .

So that day the doctor was waiting a reply from me whether I agreed for surgery or no. I made a prayer and then I agreed. Whatsoever the consequences could be !  And if either ways we are dying ; I want to die trying .

 

” There are always a wings of hope “

 

Some Statistics:

–          Around 12.7 million new cancer cases were diagnosed worldwide in 2008.

–          The most commonly diagnosed cancers worldwide are lung, breast and colorectal cancers. The most common causes of cancer death are lung, stomach and liver cancers

–          Approximately 70% of cancer deaths occur in low- and middle-income countries.

–          One in 4 deaths in the United States is due to cancer.

–          The rate of death in cancer has also been increased in 2010

 

Sources of the statistics :

http://info.cancerresearchuk.org/cancerstats/world/cancer-worldwide-the-global-picture

http://www.cancer.gov/newscenter/pressreleases/2012/ReportNationRelease2012

Giving It All Away

Have you ever seen a smile of a poor when you give him a meal …. or the innocence of an orphan girl while you play with her… thankful eyes of a sick when you help him become better. They are only some small views of what you are capable of doing to change the life of people  or even bring  them the hope – that there is still something beautiful in the soul of the people. That beyond all these wars, conflicts , poverty , hatred , economic depression, diseases … among all that which is present on earth ; I still believe that a touch of kindness  can heal … and a soft word can do miracles.

People might have forgotten the poem that illustrates this image that I am talking about :

” Little drops of water,
Little grains of sand,
Make the mighty ocean
And the pleasant land.”

 

I think that life is all about how much we give not receive ..

How much we share ? and How much we care ?  Then only means a lot .  Then only we can see how happiness feels like .

We have to give it all away and then it will come back to us when we don’t expect it .

 

 

Regards,

Hoope

Happy Birthday Me !

After 24 yrs , now I celebrate my birthday and i don’t really feel that it means alot. I didn’t even know how many years i turned today ( i had to calculate it ), seriously i thought i was older!  You may consider it rediculous or even that am joking ; but you know it’s true when another year goes by and you sit so lonely looking up at the sun as it sets ; as it takes a day from your life and you’re like ” What the hell changed !”

Yea, It doesn’t matter! What does it even means to have a happy Birthday! What does difference it makes!  … When dear people are far away. And even the dreams i wished didn’t come true .  Waking up and hoping to see your father after 19 years; didn’t even happen ! And the feeling of being wierd among those who are around.  And waking up knowing that many people in your land are dying . Waking and knowing that everything around is falling apart! Waking up and knowing that no one and nothing in life is worth living for ! Waking up and knowing that hatred is stronger than love , that wars are more than Peace and that Freedom cost more than people earns.

A very Happy Birthday Me  when each year i lose more ; when my hope began to fade each and every month. When my smiles despairs everytime.  And when the leaves  eventually fall. Maybe i go to work everday , maybe i go shopping with my sisters, go to movies with my friends ; maybe it seems i am happy with my fake smile. Maybe my illness is taking all of me ….But deep inside I never sleep , and i never smile like i really mean it . The truth is that maybe i am just pretending to live and i never wanna really live !

I use to love it when we use to celebrate my birthday with my friends , and eat my brithday cake .. my friends around , the gifts and ballons ; but most of all the sweet wishes . I was a kid then … and i just wish if i can live that again.  Happy Birthday Me for I found myself once again waiting for the sun to set and for for stars to shine and for a new bright day to come – if it ever existed!  

However, and because it just became a habbit to wish others a Happy Birthday without really meaning it … I would just say ” Happy Birthday Hoope and Hope this year is different than the last.  “

 Always

Hoope

Facing the days…

 

 It was the weekend, and I was on morning duty. Unlike the rest of the days we only had 15 patients in the ward. Medical ward with 15 patients , that was like WOW !  and there was enough staff covering ; that each nurse  took only one or two patients. While I looked at the mirror as it was raining with that lovely cold wind breeze; the flashback started when I was back in high school . I remember that whenever teachers or friends asked me what would like to be in the future…? My answer was always one. I want to be among sick people . I want to help others. And here I am !

I can still remember when my mother wanted me to be an English teacher , I never had a second thought towards that for my answer was always “ NO “ . And I joined nursing , and I never regretted it . Not even in the worst times.

Every day passes with a great new experience to learn whether it’s in the professional side or the practical life ; because I learn something every moment. And am sure every nurse do .  You won’t imagine what we can learn from caring for the geriatric patients. How every unsaid expression counts ? How every smile makes difference? And How every touch heals a soul ? Not only that but what they give us is much more.

We have a different life outside our working hours , but once we are at work .. once we enter the hospital everything else ends  and we become totally devoted for our patients. We smile and laugh for our patients and we cry and pray for our patients … We Live for them !  Because to them; we are all they count on.

It changes our lives , we change the patient’s life. And we touch their hearts. That it heals all their wounds.  During my time in the hospital , I have realized that it’s the non- medical effect that heals the people. 

So , we keep facing the world.. and we as nurses we put  our lives on the line for sake of others; that is how we are and that is what we’ll  always be .  The world around us is just an opportunity for every nurse whether you are just starting , or been in the field for years or even a nursing student. There will be always much more to discover and find out .

 

Although there are times that we feel  like giving up , but I think that those are the moments that proves our strength most. We give hope and faith to others ; so we can’t lose them ourselves.  Cherish your days not only for what you are but for what you want in the future.

  Regards,

Hoope