What if ….


What if none of this happened?

What if we never met?

What if we never loved ?

What if we never kissed ?

What if I was wrong?

What if you were right ?

That we can’t change what happened

That life is harder

What if dreams never came true?

What if you were just illusion?

Yes ! You were just an illusion

What if I move on?

What if this has to be the end ?

Would you say Goodbye to everything ….?




Love .. The Dream

Everyone would like to meet their soul mate; their love of the life at one moment. However, when that happens , they would hold on it firmly and never let go.

The beautiful spring starts , the endless love, the captivating words that makes you forget the world, the people and the days . Everything around us becomes pointless but that one person … That one love ! Their words makes us alive for the first time . Lifts our soul higher , their hands around us , the warmth , the kiss , the hug; that particular person that made us known after we were invisible.

Love is nothing alike , no one can describe it by words . It’s just feelings . Strong feelings that we carry deep in our hearts . Somehow it makes our hearts pump harder. It’s a silent touch , a look . It’s something that all at once without you even realize . Yes, without you even notice ; that person becomes everything for you and you are in love with them . Whether it’s wrong or right to express it and say it . Whether the consequences are not good . Regardless of all that , at that moment of love we all become greedy and want more of love. Forgetting the pain that it may cause . You may wonder how can love be painful . Well ! it is . It can become so devastating and desperate .

Love is not just words – It’s care , commitment , honesty , sacrifice , friendship but out of all it’s the most beautiful gift you can ever get . When love s so pure it can really overcome all obstacles that’s what movies thought us , but it seems real life is nothing like movies . So , when it’s just impossible for it to last- it’s broken. The hopeless fact is that nothing is ever complete . It’s even harder to carry on especially when you’re sure that this person was the right person .

Life goes on . We wash our face and wipe our tears . But we can’t forget ; we’ll never forget that special touch . We go back to our loneliness as we sit at the beach watching the sunset, watching the end of what wasn’t .

We wake up from the most amazing dream , love . And we have nothing but their words with us … their words.

Always ,






When we lose something we can never replace. Sometime all that you wished for is to be happy . We live in trying to achieve that. Thinking that the world will help us conspire it; but unfortunately we forgot that it doesn’t really go the way we want. Beautiful ending and fairy tales is not in the real life because simply this is not a story. We love and we lose them , we try hard and we fail , we dream and it becomes nothing but  mere dream.

I remember ones being HOPE …but that Hope is no more alive because life have knocked her many times down. She used to get up always and fight again but when the last time life let her down , it took her very precious secret behind her Hope . It took her heart down ;  ever since Hope never came up again . She got nothing more… Nothing to dream for ; no one to love and no heart .

Have you ever felt that you are so useless in life … of no point and of no aim .  At some point in your way ; you would get such thoughts ? But when you do ; just never listen to them believe in you heart .

Nothing remains but ashes .

And so the story of my life ends here.

Always And Ever,


Words For Dad


He’s gone ; to start with whether it’s true or not. Whether I don’t want to believe it or not. He’s gone !! My Father died on 12th March 2013. He was bringing me security , hope and knowing that he is alive & breathing brought me pleasure even if I didn’t see him or even if we were distant apart. It was always like a dream to meet him and know him , hug him ; finally when I did that , finally when my dream came true he dies . He left me after knowing him for one year.

“Father , do hear me now ? Am here beside you and I will always be. “
This I told him as I was holding him . I stayed with him every second until he let my hand until tears came down my face. In a moment he just took a deep breath and all at once his eyes looked up , I wanted to feel his pulse . I was shivering putting my fingers on his neck to feel the carotid pulse but there was nothing, I pressed it hardly and yet there was nothing . I held daddy’s wrist to feel the pulse and there nothing too. I kept crying and starting doing CPR … I shouted for Ampu Bag to oxygenate him … everything went fast. They pulled me back and the doctor came and cleared him death. There were many people in the room . I couldn’t breathe . I ran irrationally outside to the garden …. I kept running , and running , running until I got so far and fell down crying . My big brother came later as everyone was searching for me . And I went back to dad room . I wiped my tears closed his eyes , starting praying for him and sat down lying on him . It was silent now everyone was out of the room ; it was only dad and me just as I always wanted to be him; just him and me !
I couldn’t just let him go ; Probably I wasn’t ready to accept it . Not even now when three weeks passed . As if he was yesterday here with me and now he’s not. I can’t imagine it . I can’t and I won’t !
A friend once told me that people don’t just leave us . They stay alive with us in our heart and in everything around us . He’s never gone ; he’s still here inside me.

Among all my sisters ; they use to say that I looked most like dad and I do . Whenever I look in the mirror I see him right there staring at me . And when every I smile ; he’s there in me .. and everything I do is just like him . The stubborn , hopeful , happy person. But I guess I can’t be happy as I was ; as he was ; not anymore.

Something inside me is gone; something is lost and you can’t replace that . No one can replace it . And the lonely I feel is nothing to describe in words.

When you are still stuck in that moment and you can’t wake up . It’s all over now. Because he’s gone . He took with him every beautiful thing in my life. He was the only dream that came true in my life.

I love you Dad, I will always do so…

Allah Yerhamek ya Abby !!


Sad Beyond The Smile

Yes,  Smile can hide all the sadness and tears but smile alone can’t overcome the pain and depression .

That’s a fact which can’t be denied , at times you wonder , “ Is it life that stands against me ? or it’s just me that can’t get up ! “


What the days takes from us ; is more than what we can afford . A wound that hardly healed leaves a scar that never goes . We all understand that some days in life couldn’t be the best but how come they turn to leave a painful memory .

You may tell others encouraging words as “ Hope , Try again ! , Never give up!  Love exists ! “ while as days overlaps and these words turn to be nonsense – it means nothing ! I could have been nothing but a mere desperate try to accept how miserable things could be . None of what we believe in could be true in this fake world ; ignorance , disrespect and selfishness where power rules in it !

No dreams will come true in such world and certainly no smile can shine !

Yea ! what life takes from us , is more than we can afford . What really goes around you remains an un solved  mystery !  But I will continue to smile no matter how hurt I could be .



Happy Birthday Me !

After 24 yrs , now I celebrate my birthday and i don’t really feel that it means alot. I didn’t even know how many years i turned today ( i had to calculate it ), seriously i thought i was older!  You may consider it rediculous or even that am joking ; but you know it’s true when another year goes by and you sit so lonely looking up at the sun as it sets ; as it takes a day from your life and you’re like ” What the hell changed !”

Yea, It doesn’t matter! What does it even means to have a happy Birthday! What does difference it makes!  … When dear people are far away. And even the dreams i wished didn’t come true .  Waking up and hoping to see your father after 19 years; didn’t even happen ! And the feeling of being wierd among those who are around.  And waking up knowing that many people in your land are dying . Waking and knowing that everything around is falling apart! Waking up and knowing that no one and nothing in life is worth living for ! Waking up and knowing that hatred is stronger than love , that wars are more than Peace and that Freedom cost more than people earns.

A very Happy Birthday Me  when each year i lose more ; when my hope began to fade each and every month. When my smiles despairs everytime.  And when the leaves  eventually fall. Maybe i go to work everday , maybe i go shopping with my sisters, go to movies with my friends ; maybe it seems i am happy with my fake smile. Maybe my illness is taking all of me ….But deep inside I never sleep , and i never smile like i really mean it . The truth is that maybe i am just pretending to live and i never wanna really live !

I use to love it when we use to celebrate my birthday with my friends , and eat my brithday cake .. my friends around , the gifts and ballons ; but most of all the sweet wishes . I was a kid then … and i just wish if i can live that again.  Happy Birthday Me for I found myself once again waiting for the sun to set and for for stars to shine and for a new bright day to come – if it ever existed!  

However, and because it just became a habbit to wish others a Happy Birthday without really meaning it … I would just say ” Happy Birthday Hoope and Hope this year is different than the last.  “



Someone died …

Someone died the other day at work…. She was wonderful patient , a wonderful old lady, that was so polite and so strong and with such an inspiring faith. She had diabetes, Congestive heart disease, hypertension , kidney failure on dialysis and she was 75 yrs old. She was so tired and so sick but whenever you see her she kept smiling and everyday she lives as if she is gonna live forever. She lived with her heart and kept moving with her soul .


She was admitted as she started having severe Ischemic leg disease.. where both legs might be amputated, she went to different hospitals and they all had one opinion which is- there is no hope of surgery so let her live the rest of her life peacefully, there was no need to shorthen it … her heart can’t stand the anesthesia . But unfortunately somehow , and i don’t know from where , but she heard of a smart doctor ( as she described him ) in our hospital , a vascular surgeon who can do a bypass surgery and save her legs. He explained to them nicely about all the procedure and how he is going to do it. He looked so bright to them and he had all the facilities and assured them. The only problem is that he is one of the doctors whose patients end up dead after surgery. How ! no one knows he’s just not lucky and he’s known for the high number of  failed surgeries he has done. And the relative never knew this fact.  And I am not allowed to tell this to a patient , nor am not allowed to tell this about a colleague. I might be sued and lose my job.  But i told her daughters indirectly and so is another doctor ; she just never got it.

And he did the surgery , she went to the ICU but she woke up  .. and after one day he told them that he will do another surgery to fix it . But she never woke up after that.

I understand that in my job i would see many people going out of it … but what kills me is that , i take part of the responsibility in her death. It kills to be in a world where you can’t say the truth , where you kill people instead of saving them. I feel so guilty and what hurts the most is that i couldn’t do anything . Maybe her time came to leave this world; but maybe i could have made her go smiling instead of going through all that in such age.

I just wonder what would have been if that surgery wasn’t done . She came walking and now she’s gone. Rest in peace !