He’s gone ; to start with whether it’s true or not. Whether I don’t want to believe it or not. He’s gone !! My Father died on 12th March 2013. He was bringing me security , hope and knowing that he is alive & breathing brought me pleasure even if I didn’t see him or even if we were distant apart. It was always like a dream to meet him and know him , hug him ; finally when I did that , finally when my dream came true he dies . He left me after knowing him for one year.
“Father , do hear me now ? Am here beside you and I will always be. “
This I told him as I was holding him . I stayed with him every second until he let my hand until tears came down my face. In a moment he just took a deep breath and all at once his eyes looked up , I wanted to feel his pulse . I was shivering putting my fingers on his neck to feel the carotid pulse but there was nothing, I pressed it hardly and yet there was nothing . I held daddy’s wrist to feel the pulse and there nothing too. I kept crying and starting doing CPR … I shouted for Ampu Bag to oxygenate him … everything went fast. They pulled me back and the doctor came and cleared him death. There were many people in the room . I couldn’t breathe . I ran irrationally outside to the garden …. I kept running , and running , running until I got so far and fell down crying . My big brother came later as everyone was searching for me . And I went back to dad room . I wiped my tears closed his eyes , starting praying for him and sat down lying on him . It was silent now everyone was out of the room ; it was only dad and me just as I always wanted to be him; just him and me !
I couldn’t just let him go ; Probably I wasn’t ready to accept it . Not even now when three weeks passed . As if he was yesterday here with me and now he’s not. I can’t imagine it . I can’t and I won’t !
A friend once told me that people don’t just leave us . They stay alive with us in our heart and in everything around us . He’s never gone ; he’s still here inside me.
Among all my sisters ; they use to say that I looked most like dad and I do . Whenever I look in the mirror I see him right there staring at me . And when every I smile ; he’s there in me .. and everything I do is just like him . The stubborn , hopeful , happy person. But I guess I can’t be happy as I was ; as he was ; not anymore.
Something inside me is gone; something is lost and you can’t replace that . No one can replace it . And the lonely I feel is nothing to describe in words.
When you are still stuck in that moment and you can’t wake up . It’s all over now. Because he’s gone . He took with him every beautiful thing in my life. He was the only dream that came true in my life.
I love you Dad, I will always do so…
Allah Yerhamek ya Abby !!
Hoope
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