2013.. A Sad Year

Empty Chair

Yes, 2013 is finishing . It’s closing up with the biggest pain that it caused me. No words can describe my grieve. The only fact is that the year is over nevertheless the scar is never heal.

2013 started with the illness of the my dad, while March 12th he died. April , May , June , July … and I am still in grieve; am still in pain . I can’t forget it only made me more lonelier .  I remember him in my arms ; I remember closing his eyes like it was yesterday – so how can I forget !

I joined my work , everything was tense .. I had to keep to my fake smile . And started crying for no reason at night . I don’t know am I happy or upset. I don’t know how I feel any more towards many things around me. I even transferred from my area towards another departments … another busy department ! Why ? because I don’t want to have any free time to think .. thinking is so dangerous . Thoughts about life scares me , visions of dad haunts me. Everything is weird . Nothing is normal …

I lie by his grave praying for him . Dreaming about the short period that I was with him. Could it be worse?

And so fast years lapse… in a blink everything could end . Everything around you is prone to change ; to end . Nothing remains.

Consider loving the people around you more. Learn how to live simply . If you don’t like what you do , change it ? If you did a mistake , apologize ! If you love someone , say it ! Don’t leave anything for tomorrow … Because tomorrow never comes .

Hopes misguide us, it makes us think that we will live forever. Have a short term hope , and make your wishes true. Never let go what you love.

May the coming years bring something different . May your lives be always brighten with love and care of dear people. May 2014 be special for you all .

Regards,

Hoope

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Nothing…

 

writing-a-book

 

When we lose something we can never replace. Sometime all that you wished for is to be happy . We live in trying to achieve that. Thinking that the world will help us conspire it; but unfortunately we forgot that it doesn’t really go the way we want. Beautiful ending and fairy tales is not in the real life because simply this is not a story. We love and we lose them , we try hard and we fail , we dream and it becomes nothing but  mere dream.

I remember ones being HOPE …but that Hope is no more alive because life have knocked her many times down. She used to get up always and fight again but when the last time life let her down , it took her very precious secret behind her Hope . It took her heart down ;  ever since Hope never came up again . She got nothing more… Nothing to dream for ; no one to love and no heart .

Have you ever felt that you are so useless in life … of no point and of no aim .  At some point in your way ; you would get such thoughts ? But when you do ; just never listen to them believe in you heart .

Nothing remains but ashes .

And so the story of my life ends here.

Always And Ever,

Hoope

Words For Dad

father_daughter_beach

He’s gone ; to start with whether it’s true or not. Whether I don’t want to believe it or not. He’s gone !! My Father died on 12th March 2013. He was bringing me security , hope and knowing that he is alive & breathing brought me pleasure even if I didn’t see him or even if we were distant apart. It was always like a dream to meet him and know him , hug him ; finally when I did that , finally when my dream came true he dies . He left me after knowing him for one year.

“Father , do hear me now ? Am here beside you and I will always be. “
This I told him as I was holding him . I stayed with him every second until he let my hand until tears came down my face. In a moment he just took a deep breath and all at once his eyes looked up , I wanted to feel his pulse . I was shivering putting my fingers on his neck to feel the carotid pulse but there was nothing, I pressed it hardly and yet there was nothing . I held daddy’s wrist to feel the pulse and there nothing too. I kept crying and starting doing CPR … I shouted for Ampu Bag to oxygenate him … everything went fast. They pulled me back and the doctor came and cleared him death. There were many people in the room . I couldn’t breathe . I ran irrationally outside to the garden …. I kept running , and running , running until I got so far and fell down crying . My big brother came later as everyone was searching for me . And I went back to dad room . I wiped my tears closed his eyes , starting praying for him and sat down lying on him . It was silent now everyone was out of the room ; it was only dad and me just as I always wanted to be him; just him and me !
I couldn’t just let him go ; Probably I wasn’t ready to accept it . Not even now when three weeks passed . As if he was yesterday here with me and now he’s not. I can’t imagine it . I can’t and I won’t !
A friend once told me that people don’t just leave us . They stay alive with us in our heart and in everything around us . He’s never gone ; he’s still here inside me.

Among all my sisters ; they use to say that I looked most like dad and I do . Whenever I look in the mirror I see him right there staring at me . And when every I smile ; he’s there in me .. and everything I do is just like him . The stubborn , hopeful , happy person. But I guess I can’t be happy as I was ; as he was ; not anymore.

Something inside me is gone; something is lost and you can’t replace that . No one can replace it . And the lonely I feel is nothing to describe in words.

When you are still stuck in that moment and you can’t wake up . It’s all over now. Because he’s gone . He took with him every beautiful thing in my life. He was the only dream that came true in my life.

I love you Dad, I will always do so…

Allah Yerhamek ya Abby !!

Hoope

I Lived In You, Dad !

 

I lived in you , father

I lived for you , Father .

 

And when you are away

Am gone .

And when you are far

Am lost .

 

Your spirit was my guidance  

Your image was my light

The dreams I had about you

was never fake.

 

You hold me tight

You hold high

You gave me love

You gave me strength

 

I lived in you , daddy !

I lived for you …

 

Regards,

Hoope

( Dedicated to my, Father )

 

Here We Meet…

This is a short short story about a girl named Hana she was abandoned by her father when she was only 5 years – before joining primary school . She lived and she never knew her father ever. Her mother was everythign around . She grew up studied hard , graduated , joined university , and even worked . Yet never met that unknown father ; that she in fact carried his name but never really carried her.

She had birthdays , her tears , her parties , her joy and her life without him being around . And now when she is turning 25 years ; she will meet him again .  Yea , after 20 years ! what it feels like to that kid is just undescribed !

What if feels when people meet Hana when she was a kid and say , ” Oh ! she just looks like her dad ! ”  A dad she never say but people kept telling her that. And the older she gets the more she sees of her father in herself . People use to look at her and say, ” Your father must be proud of you .” while she smile and moved on becasue her father never even knew her to be proud of her !!

I would call this , one of life mysteries … or simply life !

 

Hoope

 

 

Daddy

A  father I needed …

 

During my clinical day in the Chest hospital I had a patient who was about 54 years old . A good old man who had done a coronary bypass surgery and I took care of him as a nursing student . He asked me questions about my dad ; where he worked ? how old is he ? and then he said that your father must be proud of you . He asked for his number & wanted to talk to him but I said my father is not here and that he & mom separated. I could see he was sad for me , but  I smiled and changed the subject to his medication time . He told the nurse to put a bandage on  his wound though its suppose to be exposed ; he said that he don’t want his daughter to be frightened . Me & the nurse bandaged the wound .

Yea ! I have noticed in many of my patient that they care a lot of their daughters . I thought all the father are careless like my father . I thought all the fathers are like mine but I was wrong it seems that all fathers are loving & caring except mine.

For that particular moment I wished if I had a father to be proud of even if he is a loser , even if  he is not a doctor or hasn’t an important position . I would still be proud of him just because he’s my father. That moment when I stood in front of that patient I wished I had a father to talk about. I knew nothing about him ; can u imagine not knowing anything about your own dad.It might be stupid to say this but i still love him and if he comes back i would love to say ” Dad ! i love you .”  Though i want to question him alot of things but i won’t .. …. Well ! who cares as if i am gonn a see him ever again .

There are times that I cry badly and wish if I was like the rest of the girls. I was only 5 years when he left and I have few memories of him . But here it goes an grown up now, i am strong enought to face the life and i may not really need him around because i made my way through this hard life. There were tuff days and he wasn’t around ; so i guess i got use to it & i can work it out now.

And here comes the end ; once upon a time there was a young girl who wished to say “dad” .