Another Year

 

At the age of 60; I started wondering and reminiscing days,  moments, marriage , work and kids . The only question  in my mind was  “ At what point did I let go life ?”

Did life fail me ? or it’s the other way round ; Did I fail life ?

Well ! it doesn’t really matter who failed who ? What matters is that we failed .  We changed into things that we can’t recognize when we look at the mirror . Not me anymore. It looks so vague .

I remember loving life , I remembering enjoying every day of it ; never giving up even when it sucks .  Bad days would never last … and every day seemed like a merry day . I was hopeful never surrendering for a little . Adventurous  and so solid inside . All that I see now is a very fragile person that when anyone asks me how I am ; I stare for minutes not knowing what to reply ! Do I say  am great and lie or do I say am so lonely and my kids  left and husband died  ; while work sucks just a routine ! And every day is just a torture of how to survive it .   I eventually speak out and say , “ Am fine .” with a deep breath , that was enough  .

I feel tired of the burden that I carry . How did I settle for less than what I deserved ? How did I lost my smile ? Nothing makes sense ! Am broken and sad yet I won’t cry . Am hurt yet I won’t speak it .

Neither because I can’t nor because I am scared. But because no one cares to listen .  Jason Statham said    “Don’t complain about your life to people .. Half of them don’t care and the other half are happy to see you get hurt .”

That’s when I started realizing that I am on my own in this.

 

I open my eyes and I wake up like any day . I head to the washroom  and wash my face ; looked at the mirror – there I saw myself ; no wrinkles , no white hair , no glasses , and certainly not 50 years old .

It was like time went 30 years back. I was young again and now I had the chance to do it right ; to do it different . To live life as it comes ; to enjoy every moment and feel the love . I don’t want to regret things when I am 60 .

Eventually you will be ending up alone ; so better have fun while you still can .

There is always another year that we keep looking forward to yet we forget that there won’t ever be another us.

Happy New Year Earth ..May this year be kind on me .

Happy 30th Birthday

 

This is for the person I am .. to myself now and to the future me ; although my birthday is not until 2 days yet wanted to post this now.

Here it goes number 30. When I was a kid I was scared of being old…being in 30’s; but I guess it’s not so scary anymore .

There was a time that I was 9 years old and all I wanted to have was super powers or the ability to fly just like in movies; now all I want is to just be content with the few little things that I got. Health , family and someone that I love lying next to me every morning as I wake up. Growing up is a trick so don’t think it’s so glamorous because it’s not. There will be a lot of disappointments, breakups, tears, broken hearts, moments that you high others that you are so down . But most of all there will be lessons – a whole bunch of lessons every time you fail you gain and learn something. The wise person you became, you stop judging people – you’re more likely busy living your own life the way you want .

Everyone went through those moment were they kept crying and said that they couldn’t take it anymore ; well ! believe it or not that’s the moment they got up even stronger and gave life another shot. There were moments that you felt so happy ; that you wanted the clock to just stop . Unfortunately, time didn’t stop nevertheless you were able to freeze those moments in your mind and see them every time you wished. At times life could be so shit however it kept going . Nothing stopped the dice from rolling , it simply went on going whether you liked it or not . Back when I was in school I thought I had all the time; that days were so long . Now I think time is running so fast that I can’t catch a breath.

They say that people are not numbers so age is nothing . It’s your spirit that says it all. So you can be 30 still sexy and beautiful and you can be 20 with a grandma’s heart and appearance . So don’t judge people by how old they are rather by how amazing their soul are !

 “ According to The Telegraph in the UK, women are at their ‘most attractive’ at 30, while men peak at age 34, according to a survey of 2000 people.”

Salute to every women above 30 …your days have just started and to all the men above 34 – you guys rock !

Hope this can make you feel better ; as for me it sure does . Because deep inside I am still shinning ; ambitious ; and am still that beautiful amazing young woman . Whether I am 30 or 60 I intend to keep that spirit . The secret for recipe is having someone to love and beloved. Trust me you won’t age or at least you will grow old together that’s the beauty of it.

New year .. New resolutions .. New dreams .. New wishes

The best is yet to come .

Happy birthday Me.

Dedication

Dedicated to every soul that touched my heart and made me smile …

To the father that passed away yet his memories still make me smile

To the friends that I  played with at the school playground; my childhood friends .

To the loved ones ; to the broken hearts ; to the forgotten promises ; to those tears that shed our eyes .

To the people that were and will be a reason for the person I am now.

To those who stood beside me and believed in me .

To the world that regardless of how harsh it might have been yet the glimpse of hopes never faded.

Hereby ; I dedicate  my love ; my words ; my thoughts for I owe nothing precious than them.

The more days pass the more you know that what you value is not a materialistic  thing rather of air and the wisdom that follows in it. Who you are ! how you enrich yourself ? That’s what matters . Look deeper inside ; meditate ; reach to your soul … take a time to be with yourself to reflect back on what have you done and what could have been better.

 

RIVER FLOWS IN YOU – YIRUMA

 

To the Moon and Back

Often we force ourselves into things that are not ours ; into day dreams that were so real. Into what we can call illusions but they could have been the best illusions we shared. Do you want to know why ?

Because those feelings happened to be so right at that particular moment, they lifted our spirits up. And they hit straight to our souls; shattered our emotions . How your heart beats so fast ? How your body becomes so warm ? And how your eyes say all the talk while in silence ?

It took them so long to reach to a state of steadiness were nothing can possibility shake us . Nothing were suppose disturb that inner peace . They finally began to adjust with nature, we found love within ourselves and thus learned how to let go and move on. Everything  they worked on was falling apart suddenly. It was like an earthquake strike and left everything scattered. How their hands are still shivering? And how tears falls from their eyes irrationally ?

There they stand face to face , hand in hand , chest in chest  and lips by lips …and everything clams down. That peace they felt was unlike and that’s the moment their souls moved ; the earthquake subsided.

The way sun rises after a long raining season.

The way the tulips blooms .

The way their eyes meet.

The way time suddenly stops .

The way their voice is so tender.

Can someone be the cause of the earthquake and at the same time calms it away?

After such a long journey of loneliness and adjusting with the circumstances and life; finally trying to understand how things are meant to not happen , while others are meant to just let go. After all this training of self-realizations. They get in each other’s  lives; and leave the most beautiful memories that are going to stay within forever. They play the same rhythm of our souls and they started dancing together  . They knew precisely that this dancing won’t last and that the music will stop however at that particular moment all what mattered was that they were happy.  In fact , all was needed was a moment to lit it up.

A whisper was heard saying , “ Love you to the moon and back .”

Oblivion

 

 

The question is not why we are trying to forget ? It’s why they want to be remembered ? Why we are remembering them ?

People come and go in our life. They may go for different reasons , sometimes they even die. We cry a day , two , three , months maybe … but eventually we try to forget and move on . Whether it’s how the nature of human being is or because we really can’t move on without forgetting; the fact is that we will move on.

They occupied a large place in our hearts; it’s hard to just let go when we thought that they are everything we have . They can’t demand us to just forget and move on. Because oblivion is not about wiping those memories , those moments ; it’s just accepting that some people are not meant to be in your future for whatsoever reason . And there comes a time in your life that you will realize that everyone played a role in making your personality ; they somehow teach us something even in their absence.

A 13 years old, Helen , kept crying the death of her father for days; that she grieved him so badly . But she had to go to back to school , she had to continue her studies , graduation , work , marriage ; yet she never forgot the love of her father and she visited his grave weekly.

When Thomas went into depression and isolation after he broke up with his beloved Jane; things seemed like the end of the world to him . She had to marry another rich guy her family chose ; simply because Thomas wasn’t still ready. A pure love but never ended happily like in stories. Now we all thought Thomas would break down as no one has loved Jane the way he did but he didn’t ! He rose up even more stronger ; wiped his tears though it took time – few months to accept the fact ; but he did move on.

It’s not about forgetting them . As not Helen nor Thomas will forget. But they have to know that we have to live with it .

The more you keep saying I will forget , I will forget .. the more it stays in your mind . All you have to just say is “ You can’t ever forget it ; they were and they will be part of who you are “

Moving on doesn’t mean you forgot them .

Regards,

Hoope

 

 

Love .. The Dream

Everyone would like to meet their soul mate; their love of the life at one moment. However, when that happens , they would hold on it firmly and never let go.

The beautiful spring starts , the endless love, the captivating words that makes you forget the world, the people and the days . Everything around us becomes pointless but that one person … That one love ! Their words makes us alive for the first time . Lifts our soul higher , their hands around us , the warmth , the kiss , the hug; that particular person that made us known after we were invisible.

Love is nothing alike , no one can describe it by words . It’s just feelings . Strong feelings that we carry deep in our hearts . Somehow it makes our hearts pump harder. It’s a silent touch , a look . It’s something that all at once without you even realize . Yes, without you even notice ; that person becomes everything for you and you are in love with them . Whether it’s wrong or right to express it and say it . Whether the consequences are not good . Regardless of all that , at that moment of love we all become greedy and want more of love. Forgetting the pain that it may cause . You may wonder how can love be painful . Well ! it is . It can become so devastating and desperate .

Love is not just words – It’s care , commitment , honesty , sacrifice , friendship but out of all it’s the most beautiful gift you can ever get . When love s so pure it can really overcome all obstacles that’s what movies thought us , but it seems real life is nothing like movies . So , when it’s just impossible for it to last- it’s broken. The hopeless fact is that nothing is ever complete . It’s even harder to carry on especially when you’re sure that this person was the right person .

Life goes on . We wash our face and wipe our tears . But we can’t forget ; we’ll never forget that special touch . We go back to our loneliness as we sit at the beach watching the sunset, watching the end of what wasn’t .

We wake up from the most amazing dream , love . And we have nothing but their words with us … their words.

Always ,

Hoope