Pain to Live

Days pass , weeks pass , months and years too. Yet nothing is to come . And  more pain to live . There are times that i thought all this could be just illusions ,other times that i thought its all over . But it seems that i was just lieing to myself ; faking facts isn’t really the right way to overcome it  nor forget it .

Well i never  did neither forget nor was able to move on. I was pausing it , and pausing it for the right time to come & face it until i realized that i was only ruining my life &  living more in pain….more in past …. more in frustration. What i might say now ; might really be so confusing and mean nothing to anyone . But me ! Me as a person , me as a soul and me as life. I am dying now and non of what i say would matter or make a difference.

I loved life or at least i tried to , things just never went right . The more i smile , the more i go in pain . The more i live the more i get surprised by what people have turned to . People , are certainly a genetically mutated creatures which are not in any means predictable. The more i try to understand the composition of human , the more i hate i myself for trying to. Not only because of what i found out but of what i felt.

My family those which i most loved has abandoned me , my friends those i thought could be my ture friends had left me . None was able to understand me , none was able to see the pain in my eyes nor words . None was able to hug me and tell be ” It’s gonna be alright , you won’t go through this by your own ” None. This was all i needed care and love . To feel that i got people around worried about me . To feel that i belong to somewhere. To feel that i am something.

Doctors asked me who to call after surgery , i said i got none ! And so i lived my most painful days without a dear person around me . Not mother nor father to hug me . Not a sister nor brother to tell me a joke. Not a friend to cry with me. I was alone , so alone as i was did and lived in pain

I am dying and none of this matter now. What hurts the most is that they meant alot to me . And that i will always love them regardless of what they do. Harsh as stone they can be but not me . I was created of something so soft and delicate that even words broke me apart. Long nights of invesigations , blood tests , medications and others that i don’t want to recall. I hid my tears and smiled alot other times at night i cry alot just like a little child . Yes ! I cried .

By the time you get this letter i might i will be in the operating room, waiting an unknown destiny . I may not even make it through . Doctors says that the chances of the survival of such brain surgery  is so minor . I might not live to see life tomorrow. But i only wanted to say that though my life was painful yet , i loved the people in it .

With love .

A letter from a dying girl .

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2 thoughts on “Pain to Live

  1. Prince says:

    hope might get lost in the darkness or the shadows of the gray
    hope might got trapped in the filth of a miserable day

    hope rise when u brighten it light
    don’t stop only with the light of night

    ur strong, ur tough !!
    so don’t stop when people say that’s enough

    u can fly, and u don’t need a feather
    don’t delete the chances to never

    don’t get pulled down by the sorrow
    Have faith of tommorrow

    hope sleeps but never dies
    so wake up and wipe the tears on ur eyes !!

  2. cardiac-nurse says:

    be faithful to yourself… it has all the worlds 🙂

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