Days pass , weeks pass , months and years too. Yet nothing is to come . And more pain to live . There are times that i thought all this could be just illusions ,other times that i thought its all over . But it seems that i was just lieing to myself ; faking facts isn’t really the right way to overcome it nor forget it .
Well i never did neither forget nor was able to move on. I was pausing it , and pausing it for the right time to come & face it until i realized that i was only ruining my life & living more in pain….more in past …. more in frustration. What i might say now ; might really be so confusing and mean nothing to anyone . But me ! Me as a person , me as a soul and me as life. I am dying now and non of what i say would matter or make a difference.
I loved life or at least i tried to , things just never went right . The more i smile , the more i go in pain . The more i live the more i get surprised by what people have turned to . People , are certainly a genetically mutated creatures which are not in any means predictable. The more i try to understand the composition of human , the more i hate i myself for trying to. Not only because of what i found out but of what i felt.
My family those which i most loved has abandoned me , my friends those i thought could be my ture friends had left me . None was able to understand me , none was able to see the pain in my eyes nor words . None was able to hug me and tell be ” It’s gonna be alright , you won’t go through this by your own ” None. This was all i needed care and love . To feel that i got people around worried about me . To feel that i belong to somewhere. To feel that i am something.
Doctors asked me who to call after surgery , i said i got none ! And so i lived my most painful days without a dear person around me . Not mother nor father to hug me . Not a sister nor brother to tell me a joke. Not a friend to cry with me. I was alone , so alone as i was did and lived in pain
I am dying and none of this matter now. What hurts the most is that they meant alot to me . And that i will always love them regardless of what they do. Harsh as stone they can be but not me . I was created of something so soft and delicate that even words broke me apart. Long nights of invesigations , blood tests , medications and others that i don’t want to recall. I hid my tears and smiled alot other times at night i cry alot just like a little child . Yes ! I cried .
By the time you get this letter i might i will be in the operating room, waiting an unknown destiny . I may not even make it through . Doctors says that the chances of the survival of such brain surgery is so minor . I might not live to see life tomorrow. But i only wanted to say that though my life was painful yet , i loved the people in it .
With love .
A letter from a dying girl .