Look through

Let go

Forever Lost

 

When your walking in the light , in hope for the life to come back once again .  When you are running so fast towards that thin light . When you living all your life for that only moment  . When you are lost and you got nothing to fight for but that little thing – that little thing that they call hope .  Now it’s gone .

They snatch it from me… they cut it right from my heart and took my heart with it . It’s gone , It’s gone , It’s gone  forever. And I will stay forever lost.

I swear I am not weak , I fought , and fought and took a deep breath when I was drowning to stand again. I smiled when I was dying . I stood up when I was about to fall and give up. I did the best I could  with the best effort I had ; but its gone …. It was all in vain . And I only lived my life in vain .

Alas! I don’t wish to go on anymore . Simply coz I know that what is ahead is just worst and worst .

I believed in values and hope. I believed in change and optimism . I believed in dream coming true when we work hard for it . I believed in future being better. All that is gone . And everything is over.

I gave hope and motive for the despair gave them all that I believed in and they fought with it . But now I am the one who lost it . Yes! I lost it .

Sunken in melancholy , without life , full of tears and pain. Full of failure. Yea ! here I am again . I lost it all . And nothing will change that.

This is the end of the story of hope.

 

Always and the only ,

Hoope

 

 

Melancholy

 

Walking in the darkness

Nothing is starkness

Trying so hard to smile

Everything for awhile

Turned to be labile

 

I wish I just wish

If things could go another way

And start a new day

To see the sun for once shining

 

Sunken in melancholy

It’s tears I live in

thought out these years

And fears I carry

of how things are gonna be

 

Am all alone

and things are unknown

Am blown of the track

 

Walking in the darkness

Nothing is starkness

Trying so hard to smile

Everything for awhile

Turned to be labile

 

2010

 

Here another year comes . 2009 is gone and became nothing but a history . A friend once told me :

” The 2009 book has now been closed, we cannot re-write it, but we can definitely read it and learn from our past history (Yes it is part of our History now!).

The first page of the 2010 book is waiting “

That book is closed now.. and i don’t wanna remember it . Yea its gone but with pain , with tearsthat won’t ever dry up. It was a hard time and hard days they left me scars that won’t heal . 2010 started and i couldn’t smile .But now i wanna do this in a different way . I want this year to be better , i want to accomplish more and gain myself back .

The year has already started and only God knows what it hides. Let’s just pray that it won’t carry more pain because i can’t take any more . And am not as strong as when this journey started. It took alot of me .

I hope this year brings me good surprises , I really wish that things change. I wish i find the love and the dreams that i have longed for.

Always and only ,

Hoope

Another Dream

 

We live and when we lose those who me we love we die .

We live and we when we lose our last chance we give up.

We live and when things goes wrong we feel upset

 

Yet ! my choice and so is everyone is to continue. Simply as that ; how about giving life another chance. We dream so deep and wish it so hard , however disappointments takes place.

Everyday when the sunsets we start a new dream, new wishes , new hopes for tomorrow. As if nothing happened before , as if we never got fell down .

This I call a deep struggling hope . We keep going on ; no matter what goes on. Long term goals , endless hope and an unknown future .

You know how strange it might get as you keep going on you r path. There is no place for ” Give Ups ” and so the only choice we have is to move forward . It’s never easy and I say so because I know what we lose in trying to achieve our dreams. We focus in our future and on that we forget to enjoy life we forget to love and we may lose our family because of some choices.

 

Now I lay down on the green grass at the midnight , staring at the bright stars. So dark and warm with the lights of the stars decorating the skies – the whole horizon in front of me. There I started again ..

 

Another dream and another life.

Daddy

A  father I needed …

 

During my clinical day in the Chest hospital I had a patient who was about 54 years old . A good old man who had done a coronary bypass surgery and I took care of him as a nursing student . He asked me questions about my dad ; where he worked ? how old is he ? and then he said that your father must be proud of you . He asked for his number & wanted to talk to him but I said my father is not here and that he & mom separated. I could see he was sad for me , but  I smiled and changed the subject to his medication time . He told the nurse to put a bandage on  his wound though its suppose to be exposed ; he said that he don’t want his daughter to be frightened . Me & the nurse bandaged the wound .

Yea ! I have noticed in many of my patient that they care a lot of their daughters . I thought all the father are careless like my father . I thought all the fathers are like mine but I was wrong it seems that all fathers are loving & caring except mine.

For that particular moment I wished if I had a father to be proud of even if he is a loser , even if  he is not a doctor or hasn’t an important position . I would still be proud of him just because he’s my father. That moment when I stood in front of that patient I wished I had a father to talk about. I knew nothing about him ; can u imagine not knowing anything about your own dad.It might be stupid to say this but i still love him and if he comes back i would love to say ” Dad ! i love you .”  Though i want to question him alot of things but i won’t .. …. Well ! who cares as if i am gonn a see him ever again .

There are times that I cry badly and wish if I was like the rest of the girls. I was only 5 years when he left and I have few memories of him . But here it goes an grown up now, i am strong enought to face the life and i may not really need him around because i made my way through this hard life. There were tuff days and he wasn’t around ; so i guess i got use to it & i can work it out now.

And here comes the end ; once upon a time there was a young girl who wished to say “dad” .

 

Winter Breeze

Standing on the edge of a hill , staring there I could see nothing but the wide blue sky , decorated with white clouds . The winter wind breeze that soothes my skin makes me feel so cold. And there the deep blue ocean , that looks so sad and wild . Tides that hit the rocks . As much as this scene is so beautiful yet it hides a lots in side. The sounds of sea gulls flying around . I sat there in silence . And kept looking as the sun sets, as the was going I thought it would never shine again . I remembered my scattered dreams , my endless hope , my wishes ; what happened to them all ? what went wrong? All at once the natures beauty seemed so grieving and despair. I wish ed if I could smile again , I wanted to gain my power of hope back . But it’s hard to be too strong after all.

There I lied down as I got dark on  the rusty hard rocks … and felt asleep in hope of another day and another dream.

Notes From Illusions – Part II

 

 

It’s an endless darkness . Sunk in melancholy nothing but pain within a grief .

How can days be so strange ? how can I be so desperate ? I thought I was hope , I thought was strong , but it’s really too hard to be strong .

Every where I turn to there’s only more troubles and disappointments .

Tomorrow never comes and no matter how we wait for it ; today is today and tomorrow is nothing but tomorrow . I thought I was a step away from it . It turned out to be illusions .  Created by my own inner brain .

It reached to a moment that I believed and lived all this illusions .

How could I be so silly ? how could I let life drag me ? Instead of I running my life ; I let life run me !!!

Weakness I feel all over my body , I can’t handle anything .

What about the sunrise ? the blue skies  . What makes me cry when I see that all ? I just can’t smile . Maybe coz deep inside I know that I can’t enjoy them . I can’t enjoy the beauty of life. Instead I see them all dark . My tears are of blood . My hope is in vain . I lived it all – I lived by myself.

Life stabbed me in my back . And I have no intention to be stabbed again . So I decided not to live , not to live again . And not hope

Infinite

 

What would anyone want ?

What makes us wake up everyday ?

What for ; we go on ?

 

Could it be illusions , dreams or hopes ?

Or Could it be just nothing ?

 

I dreamed a dream

And dreams are infinite

Infinite are unreachable

 

Sometimes it just doesn’t rain

Sometimes the days don’t go around

And sometimes all this is not true

 

I’ll close my eyes

And think in deep

But as I open

I wanna wake up

I want all this to be over

And to start all over again